Three Statements to Avoid Saying to Someone Struggling with Depression . . . and What to Say Instead!
It's helpful to know what to say -- and avoid -- when talking to someone struggling with depression. This article aims to help!
Because of my own lived experience with depression and hurtful comments, I became more vocal in trying to educate others.
In a majority of the cases, most were unintentional. Generally, they come from a place of wanting to help, but not knowing how.
Awhile back, I saw a Dear Abby letter from a woman wanting advice on how to deal with her friend that she described as clinically depressed and who was “exhausting.” The author then proceeded to talk mostly about herself.
At one point, the writer seemed to indicate the friend was intentionally draining and actually said, “Who doesn’t have problems? This is life. Sometimes we’re happy, sometimes we’re not.”
Let’s deconstruct some of these unhelpful statements, as we discuss the three things you really don’t want to say to someone struggling with their mental health.
1. “It’s all in your head,” made up, or for attention: By “it’s all in your head,” if you mean the area of your body, that’s different. But if you really mean that it’s made up, fictional, or to get attention, I will tell you this: no one chooses to feel as awful as one does when dealing with a clinical depression.
I would not wish it on anyone. Unless you have truly been there, done that, you really cannot understand. In fact, some who held beliefs similar to the author of the Dear Abby letter have themselves subsequently dealt with severe depression and later apologized to me because they really did not understand.
2. “If you just had more faith:” This correlates with a belief that depression is a personal weakness. In fact, it takes someone strong to fight their way back from depression. And, those of us who believe in the power of prayer, do pray fervently to persevere.
Depression is an ailment as real and legitimate as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, cancer, and yes, while prayer helps us to hold on to God through trial, we wouldn’t tell someone with these other illnesses it’s a personal weakness.
I learned quickly that I couldn’t always share with others and let them know what was going on with me or risk comments like number three:
3. “I once had a bad hair day” (or “argument with my significant other,” or some other situational issue that doesn’t compare equally): As the Dear Abby letter writer argues, isn’t that just life? Don’t we all have good and bad days?
As a friend, don’t equate your temporary situation with that of your struggling friend. Job’s friends came and sat with him, mourned with him, and for seven glorious days said nothing.
But then they began to speak, railing on him in utter confidence that he was in the wrong and brought his calamities upon himself. Boy, were they wrong.
Here’s how you can be helpful with your words — and actions — instead:
1. Simply be there: Saying, “I’m here for you,” provided you really mean this, and can simply listen is one of the greatest ways to help.
2. Offer to run errands, clean, or provide child care while they rest: During the worst days, getting out of bed just to brush my teeth was truly exhausting. And parenting too? Having a helper to do routine errands like shopping or household tasks like laundry, dishes, or cleaning is huge.
And, many of us struggle with sleep issues, so an offer of help so we can grab a nap is so welcomed.
3. Check in: Because there is such a stigma around mental health issues, and because people with depression tend to isolate, it’s lovely to get just a card — or text with no expectation of a reply — saying, “I was thinking of you,” or “you were on my mind,” or “I’m praying for you.”
Romans 12: 15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.”
Are there any you would add to this list? As always, if you, or someone you know struggles with depression, reach out to a clinician or specialized care line. Click here for more information about depression.
